Crazy Mixed-Up

Hey ladies! It's been a while since I've posted but there is no one else for me to talk to right now, no one else that will understand without judging... so, here's what happened. I'm falling hard for this guy P but the situation is complicated because we're both in middle of divorces. He hit on me a few weeks ago and since then I've felt more alive than I have in months! One touch and I bloomed. Every few days he says he likes me, I like him ectera. Last nite him and C, his soon to be ex, were sitting around just hanging out and drinking. They walked me home at 1am and I forced myself to puke up the hours of drinking because I felt like they were rejecting me. Then, I was like panicking and took an ambien thinking it would help me calm down. Then I got the bright idea that I shouldstart cutting my thighs but I didnt, in fact, I thought I cant be alone so I'll walk back over to my friends house. I did, and C was crying cause she was upset and I cried and I thought, lets have a drink. I poured alot of stoli into my juice glass and jugged. At this point, I forgot I took ambien. Yall can see where this is going right? I went upstairs and woke P and he started kissing me and I said no cause C and the kid were like nearby. Then, I blogged on myspace with C outside and that's the last thing I remember. C told me this morning that P asked her to tell me to stop hitting on him because it makes him uncomfortable. I thought my heart would break, she also said P said I molested him last night when he clearly came onto me first! Like I said, him kissing me FIRST was one of the fews things I remember. So yeah, it hurt me really bad for C to say he doesn't want me to bother him anymore. I just want to cry and cant I feel so numb and irritated that I was naive to think there might've been something there worth pursuing. The upside to this shitty situation is that I've learned NOT TO DEPEND ON OTHERS for anything, they always disappoint. Today I'm going to purge everything I eat because its all I can do. It's better than trying to fing hurt myself in other ways. Sigh... I was getting so much better... part of me knows this is a temporary lapse but IT HURTS. I HURT! "This too shall pass" is a great quote and I keep repeating it but I don't believe it yet...

My friends, I won't be logging onto MJ for a while... I'm going to give recovery another chance. Life has not been fun the last few months and I realize if I keep hurting myself with all this self-hate I'll never be happy. I'm studying to join the Air Force Officer School... both physical and mental. I can do 30 regular pushups and 20 modified. I can do 80 situps. I can run 1.5miles. I can study for a hours about science and reading at a time. I know this will sound cheesy, but my heart flutters at the thought of joining the military, of the pride I'd feel. Plus, at least joining will give me something productive to do and something to live for besides myself. Last night I showed my dad that I could do pushups... he said, "straight as a board" meaning my form was good. That was like huge for me! He was special forces army and always hard on me as a kid. I'm not sure I've ever done something physically that he hasn't said he's done better or more of. And last night when he honestly complimented me, That was like, wow, I did something right. And if I can do something little right... maybe I can fix myself and do life right? I guess the morale of this blog is that I've decided to give myself another chance... wish me luck!

Sometimes I think if I have the stuff inside me to hate myself, to cut myself, to deny myself... if I have this self-control to restrict or purge or do pushups till I collapse... then maybe I have the stuff inside to me to love myself, to care for myself, to enjoy myself as is... interesting, isn't it? I don't know why I never considered this before. I guess its kinda when my boss practically fired me last week. I thought my life was over, that I'd have to kill myself. But it was weird you know... it was like this flutter of something inside me kicked, flickered... kinda whispered, give it anohter try. YEah, I don't know what to think. Except that I'm really loving not going to work!! Haha, I'm such a lazy ass. Maybe its just my high dose of happy pills just kicking in... Prozac, if I remember correctly, kinda made me feel numb sorta a few years ago on it, made it easier to get through the day. B ut I''m really fascinated with the the idea that I might have it in me to live, to be strong. Well I'm going to finish watching "Are you Smarter than a 5th grader?"... going to see the movie 300 later too... till later chicas!

I've been really stressed lately, obviously. I've been debating on whether to quit my job and go into therapy again or find a different, less stressful job. This afternoon before I left work my boss said we needed to talk about my 90day evaluation. Basically, he said this job is not a fit for me, that while I'm smart and hard-working and have made improvements he thinks it is best for me to work elsewhere. Of course, these are things I knew in my heart prior to this but it still sucked. I cleaned out my office and cried all the way home. I'm having a hard time not letting myself freak out majorly and killing myself or blaming myself. I mean, I kinda knew this was coming. I filed for unemployment online so maybe I'll get it and I can go to therapy for a few weeks while I figure out whats what. The most disturbing thing about this turn of events is that I'm not sure what I want to do... I've relapsed into bulimia/ ednos and my first thought when we had this conversation earlier was "Well, I've have more time to exercise and lose weight." I mean, that's usually not someone's first reaction to being let go. Of course, I'm relieved and mad and feeling all kinds of things right now. And I really HATE feeling! Sigh... I don't know what I'm going to do...

I bought a huge goldfish and tank and all that stuff today. His name is JJ, my little goldfish baby! Hehe. My cat sits in front of his tank and paws at it, meowing. Too cute! (Don't worry, the tank is too heavy for the cat to knock down)

So that was fun. What else was fun today? Not being hungry! I ate two meal replacement bars and was about to eat dinner because George was around but then I realized with glee, "I'm not hungry!" Finally!!! I'm going to bellydance while I watch CSI now, I've got the steps memorized so I can dance while I watch my favorite shows. Clever, I know. After that, I'm popping my OTC sleeping pills. Oh, tomorrow I pick up my shrink's new Rx for me... she gave me Ambien. Sweet! Sleep! If I'm sleeping I can't eat! Boing, boing, boing! I feel hyper... ok, off to wiggle my hips...

I managed to lose almost 10lbs since the end of February. I still have so much weight to lose that I'm not jumping for joy this time, just trying to maintain and keep on losing. Someone brought in fresh Panera Bread bagels but I resisted. I thought, mmm, they look good. But what do I want more? A fattening bagel or even more weight loss. I'm up to about an hour of cardio a day, either on the elliptical or doing bellydancing. I love the belldancing, I'm not that coordinated but it's fun and I don't hate myself so much when I do as compared to other forms of exercise. Still doing pilates, too. I'm puking up anything more 200-300 calories, too. I know that's not good, but I don't care. I can't care, not when I have so much to lose!!! My mood is improving, mostly cause I was really feeling like dying and my shrink upped my meds by a ton. Whatever works, huh?

My hubby and I are looking to buy a house but eveything is either too expensive or too small and ugly but affordable. Grr. I actually don't mind a fixer-upper but soon my student loans will kick in and I'm not sure I'll have all the extra money to put into the new house. Which makes buying one we don't need to work on appealing but also nervewracking because of the huge price. I'm supposed to get a raise at one in the next couple months but I'm so down on myself I am not sure it'll be a good one. I'd work as a stripper for extra money once I'm skinnier but I'm not sure how well that work out if a co-worker showed up at the bar. Hahaha, that would be kinda funny actually. I don't mind showing off when I'm skinny though, it's just boobs and ass, right?

Hope you are all doing well! Hugs and kisses, TK

Lose one pound a week, by trimming 500 calories from your daily diet. Try some of the following food and beverage swaps.
Breakfast:

Lose: bagel with cream cheese and coffee with cream and sugar.

Choose: toasted English Muffin with light cream cheese and coffee with skim milk or nonfat creamer.

Save 500 calories

Beverages:

Lose: 20-ounce soda, one cup orange juice, and second glass of wine

Choose: unlimited H2O, naturally flavored seltzer and unsweetened tea

Save 500 calories

Daily Lunch Sandwich:

Lose: sub roll, the mayo, high fat meats and cheese (bologna, salami, pastrami, etc.)

Choose: whole wheat bread, spicy mustard, lean turkey or ham, reduced fat cheese.

Save 500 calories

Snacks:

Lose: candy bar, chips and 20 oz soda

Choose: baby carrots, string cheese and an apple

Save 500 calories

Dinner:

Lose: Steak, fried potatoes, dinner roll, buttery vegetables

Choose: Grilled chicken or fish, baked potato with tablespoon sour cream, sautéed spinach (in 1-2 teaspoons olive oil and garlic)



Save 500 calories

A few weeks ago I posted how I wanted to die so badly because nothing is worse than being fat. Or feeling fat, that's almost as bad as being fat. Anywho, I'm still wishing I were dead. It's crazy, I realize, to feel like this... I don't know what's wrong with me! I keep invisioning running my car off the road and overdosing on pills and booze or cutting myself till blood runs out. Ugh. What kind of normal person thinks this? Most things are fine in my life besides my weight and I've made some mistakes at work (nothing that wasn't fixed, though) and yet... and yet I feel like shit. Everyday its worse. In fact today I called my doc's to try to get an appt, maybe its my prozac making me feel crazier... but you know, I am not sure anything can help me at this point. The first time I tried cutting I was 14, I think, and upset... I slid the knife across my wrist gently to test it but it was dull and hurt. So I never cut. More and more lately I think about cutting flesh, making myself bleed for my crimes. And last night... last night I found a sharp razor blade, the kind you put in a scaping knife. And I slid it across my hips where I have strechmarks... blood bubbled up! And it hardly hurt! So I did it again and again and I counted today at work break and there are 13 cuts close together. I'm glad I have another way to punish myself for being fat. I also puked up all my dinner tonight... thank god! It felt soooo good to puke it up. I wondered why I don't puke every bite up, but I guess thats hard to do without people noticing. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, I'm not good enough for the job. I feel like one mistake is the end of my world when I should let it roll off my shoulders. But no, not me. Everything has to hurt. I did pilates ball dvd tonight too after puking, I hate how bored I feel but I have to do it, you know? I just found out I have a 24hr exercise channel and thats great because I get ansy at night and need to burn energy. I am having to take sleeping pills and drink to sleep... and even then I'm tired the next day. I sleep, I'm tired. I don't sleep, I'm tired. I am an oxygen waster. I never thought I'd feel this way after I entered treatment at Duke ED clinic... how wrong was I?! Sigh...

On a side note, does anyone watch House and American Idol? I love those shows... along with Monk and Psyche. How pathetic is it that looking foward to these shows keeps me going sometimes. BAH! Life sucks and then you die. God, sorry about this depressing email... hope you all are doing fine... hugs and kisses...TK

i am so worthless. i want to die. i am sick of feeling so up and down. i am not good enough. not ever gonna be good enough. so sick of pretending to be fine, happy and normal when really all i feel is like shit. and really, this is what i get for eating! eating brings nothing but pain and fatness and nothing good. i've gotten to eat only half of anything and i'm getting better at resisting thigns. like even icecream. i puked last night, god, it felt soooo good, that initial high ya know? its the only thing that makes me feel less of a fatty. and yall, i am too fat. never gonna be skinny... i should just die and get it over with...

You Communicate With Your Eyes

When you say, "I'll believe it when I see it" - you really mean it. For you, what you see is a lot more important than what you hear. You don't take someone's words at face value. You judge people by their facial expressions, body language, and appearance. You tend to be quiet, but when you talk, you tend to make eye contact and describe things in colorful detail.

Hey y'all! I haven't posted in a while, I can't believe this week has already gone by! Last week was hell, curtosity of PMS and it seems like the week I get my period this release occurs and I feel better. Weird. Even work has been more productive. But anyway, I haven't really worked out this week because of the period thing... normally, I'd work out right through it but guess what? My ovarian cysts are flaring up painfully, as in 1500milligrams of tynelol did nothing for the pain yesterday so I had to take a half day. Went home early popped some hyrodcodeine tabs... relief at last! Have any of y'all ever had female problems? I feel like I'm the only one I know of who has... so, right now I'm high on the meds and don't feel bad that I ate icecream without purging today. I'm getting better at my self-control since I found out I was losing weight, its awesome. Went out with friends the other day and had to eat dinner but I purged it in the bathroom and toilet water got on my shirt but they thought I was just sloppy washing my hands. Phew! Um... I'm going to go watch some funny Utube videos now... till later my darlings! MWAH

So yesterday I was totally having a panic attack about my lardass so I went to the gym with George. We played bball but I got bored so we decided to play racquetball... while he went to get the stuff I saw the blood pressure machine so I was oooh, lets see what mine is. I sit down and it turns out its a hightech machine... can even measure weight and bmi! So of course, being the curious bee that I am I clicked on "weigh me"... So ladies, I though I'd faint, but I WEIGH 164!!! That means I've LOST 10 Pounds in 3weeks!!! FINALLY!! I weighed myself a few times, once it said 163, but overall I'm sure its right. Plus I made George weigh himself to check the validity of the scale and his weight was accurate becauase he has to know his for military purposes! I CRIED I WAS SO HAPPY!!! I literally cried for joy! After this past year of doing nothing but gaining I HAVE STARTED TO REALLY LOSE!!! And its thanks to Hydrocut Hardcore, not taking the stupid mental pills and YOU ALL!! You all have really encouraged me, so THANK YOU! AND OMG!!! I'm just so happy I'm losing again!! It's a miracle! I'm so much more motivated now to lose the rest because my goal is 135 by March, April latest. And of course, By the fall 115!!! WAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So hot the sun scorches it
Burns the leaves right off
Falling broken and brittle down
Even the earth swallows it whole

Clouds thicken and hide it
No light to give her any life
Smothering more bit by bit

See now the branches
Bare
Breaking
Barren
No life to live, to give

A storm comes to mock her
Raging ice first splinters hope
Heavy flakes of snow grace her
All weighing her branches down

See now the branches
Too heavy
Too cold
Too much
Not enough to stay alive

Snap! Whoosh…
Branches fall one after another
Crack! Winter lightening
Confirms piles of death around its base

Wind yowls, whips round the tree
Dead pastures, few remaining branches
Eerie silence in this noise
A glow? Yes, there is a flicker

Gentle rains wash away
Broken branches, dead leaves
Whiffs of warm earth stay
Teasing tastes of life

Yonder yellow light comes
Rising, prodding the tree
A rushing in her roots, she hums
Mini buds are now here
Will it last?

I am seriously losing my mind. I haven't been on meds for a month now and I have this great job so I should be happy 24/7 but I'm not. All I can think about these days is how I need to lose weight and how to do it. It's building, this pressure you know? And I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up AGAIN. I couldn't live with myself if I f$#ked up this job/career path. I couldn't, I can't... I WON:T live with myself at this weight for much longer!!! It's just really getting to me. I'm up and down mood-wise, happy one minute, sad or angry the next or bored and distracted. GRR. Why can't I just be normal and skinny? God, I'd even take just athletic build right now. No one in my life around me here understands this pressure, this fear of staying fat. No one gets it and today I'm just feeling so lonely and f#^ked up and crazy.

I only ate a handle full of nachos and a piece of chicken today and one peppermint patty. I'm glad about that but there is so much weight to lose and now I'm plannning a vaca to Pittsburgh and I have to be skinner, a lot skinner, than when I left. Of course my friends all say it doesnt matter and maybe it doesnt to them... but to me? It matters. And Irregardless of the success elsewhere in my life, if I'm not losing weight and getting normal again I truly feel like a failure. And how f-ed up is that?

BAH!

Swelling waves rise
Tossing her higher and higher
She still cries
Pain so deep, heart so dark

Squeezing pressure
Bulging out from within
Unending hunger
Clouds her inner vision

Oozing faux delight
So many too unaware
Day is night
All to much to bear

Extended is the despair
Overstays its welcome
Quiet now the care
Never stays long enough

Wilting desire
To recover
See the hopeful fire
Burns brighter dying

Deflated balloon
Floating out of reach
In a cocoon
Hidden, washed away

Ladies!!! I can't stand it anymore! My therapists have always asked, "Why do you hate your body? Why do you take your painful emotions/situations out on it?" Well, here is why: because it fucking sucks, thats why!!! I was doing soooooo goood about my weight loss then I found out I had ovarian cycts and so working out too hard can make them explode and I could bleed internally. So, ok, I can handle that, just relax and get meds and work out a little bit. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Then my back decides its bored with being normal and decides to sprain so badly that I'm ordered on bedrest... not only does that really interfer with the workout plan it makes working at the job i love hard! FUCK FUCK FUCK! Why why why does this happen to me?! I am fucking destined to be fat forever?! And god, today I a handleful of chocolate candies then a chicken sandwich and fries from McDonalds! Why can't I just not be hungry?! Why do I have to always be showing shit in my mouth to calm down?! AND why can't I just lose weight?! I try, god knowsI do... And the Hydrocut, its great EXCEPT it makes me fuckin jittery and spacy and even more anxious. FUCK!

PS. Sorry about the naughty language but I can't fucking help it right now. After all the shit I ate I'm still hungry and being hungry pisses me off. Or it could also be the pain too, or both most likely. Someone please give me advice on how to deal or encouraging comments, please.... I need it!!! I'm losing my mind...!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Today I purchased Hydrocut Hardcore: the latest and greatest version acclaimed to help you lose 2-4times the weight than if you diet and exercise alone. I'm feeling optimistic about it! Lord knows I need all the help I can get. I just hope I can control my urges to binge when I feel like shit...

What is y'alls opinion on diet pills??? Adivce???

I was in soooo much pain yesterday! I thought I woke up with bad back cramps from my period but I realized it had to be something when taking advil, tynelol then flexeril (a Rx muscle relaxer) didn't make it any better. All day at work the pain worsened and then when I was trying to fall asleep last night my friend tried giving me a massage. THAT hurt so bad all I did was cry and howl in pain so I knew I had to take a trip to the ER for some serious med if I were ever to get better. Turns out I sprained or strained my lower back so when I try to walk I look like an eighty yr old hunchbag. A shot of tordal in the ass didnt lessen the pain any so the Doctor decided to give me some serious narcotics... after two of them the pain lessens to about a 3 on the 1-10scale... Geez!! Bedrest for me which normally freaks me out but I'm in so much pain I'm not eating much except that which helps me digest the meds. Gosh, I just... first the stomach flu, then ovarian cycts and now this!!! All within a month, I swear, grr. All I want to do is go to the gym and its like one thing after another. Well, that's my rant, ladies. Ouchies are never fun! Ok, ok... the medicine high from them can be fun though, shh don't tell ;-)

I'm going to weightwatchers tomorrow... somehow I gained weight this week... I think its water weight combined with the fact i was pumped with 2bags of fluid at the er the other night... AHHH!!! I'm losing my mind....

So I've been feeling so angry lately about being fat and I'm taking it out on everyone else, ie by being bitchy. Well, today I ate two packets of oatmeal(180cals each) and chocolate yogurt(60cals). I also had a little bit of lemonade while shopping in the mall. Then, I got lost getting home and no one answered to help me get home so I was flipping out... I was mad that I went shopping in the first place, felt like I didnt even deserve it. By the time I got home I'd decided to binge and purge... I ate three pieces of pizza with sipping milk (helps it come up easier along with lots of chewing) and then I ate leftover steak and noodles. Started freaking to puke right away but had to wait till sister was outta the bathroom... no one could hear because I started filling the tub up for a bath afterwards (sneaky, I know). Needless to say, I puked it all up and phew, did I feel better!!! The other night I was out with friends drinking at a party and like I realized once I was buzzed that I could puke up nmost of the alcohol... got rid of some calories that way. Earlier that night I puked up shells n cheese, chicken and beans! I haven't weighed myself in a week but I'm sure combined with this purging and decreased cal intake and increased exercise that I'm bound to have lost something! Tomorrow I'm buying diet pills, you can lose 2x the weight. So kudos... !

Sigh... I'm going to get skinny again, right ladies? Right? God, I feel so desperate...angry... sad... I guess being angry or desperate is better, it fuels me to keep losing. Being sad is just pointless anymore. No more sadness this New Year... just determination!